The Tories have launched a blistering attack on the electorate, claiming that a ‘significant left-wing bias’ is preventing them gaining a lead in the polls.
“It’s a bloody disgrace,” said Tory campaign activist Simon Williams.
“It seems that every event we plan, the crowd has a significant left-wing element determined to question David Cameron’s record instead of accepting that it’s bloody brilliant just because we say so.”
“I’d estimate that nearly a third of people are biased towards the left. It’s not on, if it weren’t for them, we’d have the election sewn up.”
The Tories cite a David Cameron appearance on Radio 1’s live lounge as an example of this ‘bias.’
“Bloody Trots and lefties who show no respect to their betters,” said Mr Williams.
“They kept interrupting the PM, they called him a ‘cheese-faced nobneck,’ and they had long hair. He really shouldn’t have to deal with the likes of them.”
“Frankly, we’re getting a bit sick of this left-wing element. I would like to see a more considered balance of audience at election events, a fair representation the bits of the electorate we like, from centralist Tories to the really far right Tories, and everything in between.”
In a rare example of some of the main parties agreeing, Nigel Farage was moved to support the Tories.
“It’s true, everywhere I go, I’m seeing people disagreeing with me. The only explanation is a significant left-wing bias, only I find it slightly more significant than the Tories do.”