HSBC to move HQ to lair under volcano

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International financial criminals HSBC are considering moving their base of operations to a sprawling lair under a volcano on an obscure island in the Atlantic.

“It has been a particularly challenging year for HSBC,” said CEO Stuart Gulliver as he toyed with a white cat on his lap.

“What with several of our nefarious schemes being foiled by financial regulators.”

“If we hole up in a base under a volcano, then it will be considerably easier to feed any FSA agents investigating us to the sharks,” he continued before breaking into a maniacal cackle.

The bank has faced criticism in the UK for its foreign exchange manipulation, mis-selling of payment protection insurance, tax-evasion, casual racism, cruelty to animals, murderous rampages, and not having enough pens in its branches.

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It is thought that the new HQ will be the next step towards world domination following the crash they helped orchestrate seven years ago.

Ironically, this doesn’t seem to have put their customers off.

“International fraud and criminality is one thing,” said HSBC customer Simon Williams.

“But why don’t the automatic paying-in machines ever work?”

It is understood that if the volcano lair falls through, then there is an old ruined castle in Eastern Europe, an underwater habit or a base on the moon that would be suitable for their needs.