Dublin streets full of ‘plastic English’ drinking tea and eating scones

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Irish people with a tenuous connection to being English are today celebrating St George’s day with lots of tea and scones.

Tea houses and coffee shops across Ireland are expecting a bumper day as their tills overflow thanks to Irish people who happen to have an English great-grandparent.

Seamus O’Neill told us, “It’s OK because my grandfather was originally from Kent, so I’m as English as they come.

“I mean, I was born in Kilkenny, and I’ve lived in Dublin for fifteen years, but I’m still English today.

“People think it’s just an excuse to take the day off and eat cream cakes, but it’s actually about honouring your personal history – whilst having a big cake-eating party.

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“I’ve booked tomorrow off work because last year I had such a tea hangover, honestly, I must have had ten pints of the brown stuff.

“And none of this foreign muck, proper Yorkshire Tea, obviously.”

The Garda have warned against excessive exuberance after last year’s celebrations saw three cups and saucers broken in Temple Bar.

A Garda spokesperson told us, “Look, we know that everyone likes a drink, and we want everyone to have a good time celebrating their English heritage, but tea is always best taken in moderation – so please exercise caution.

“It took literally minutes to clear up after last year’s celebrations after the crumbs went literally everywhere, so I hope this year that those participating in the celebrations are all a bit more restrained.

“Oh, and happy St George’s day to you, obviously.”