Study finds sports drinks failing to give drinkers enough energy to put bottle in bin

author avatar by 9 years ago

Despite sports energy drinks containing substantial amounts of sugar and caffeine they still don’t give people enough energy to carry the empty bottle to a fucking bin, we can report today.

Scientists are reported to be ‘baffled’ by how products which are primarily sugar and water can leave users incapable of putting empties in their pocket and taking them home.

“The bottles aren’t that heavy, so we don’t understand why they suddenly become so difficult to carry when they’re empty,” said sports scientist Amy Hargreaves.

“Possibly drinkers are so hyped up they want to run ten miles straight away?”

“Or possibly they’re just lazy fat twats who think drinking something with ‘energy’ on the side will make them look like Usain Bolt. It’s a bit of a mystery.”

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Makers of leading energy drinks are looking into adding more sugar to their products to tackle the problem of their customers not being strong enough to carry their empties.

“We don’t call it ‘sugar’ any more as people have got this crazy idea that sugar makes you fat and gives you heart attacks,” said an industry spokesman.

“So we say stuff like ‘added sucrose and dextrose’, which sounds way healthier.”

“And when people get wise to that one we’ll start calling sugar crystals ‘energy microparticles’. That should be good for a few years.”

In related news, makers of football shirts and jogging trousers have today begun an investigation into why their biggest selling size is XXXL.