Paedophiles busy practising dementia symptoms

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Westminster is bracing itself for a rush of early onset dementia diagnoses following the Crown Prosecution Service decision not to prosecute Lord Janner.

The decision not to prosecute Labour peer Janner due to his advanced dementia was followed by outbreaks of mass forgetfulness in desirable second homes in and around Islington.

Victims of paedophilia applauded the CPS decision not to put Janner through a harrowing trial, insisting they would hate to see anyone in a weak and vulnerable position abused in this way.

When questioned by police, many MPs said they could remember nothing at all about a “child-friendly” guest house in Surrey where they had checked in under a false name.

And friends of UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, fear the chiselled extremist may also be showing Alzheimer symptoms after he complained that London was a “city he no longer recognises”.

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Milton Keynes resident Miriam Frampton said, “Yesterday afternoon a Tory MP knocked on my door and asked if he could have my vote. It’s like the last five years didn’t even exist for him.”

MP for Wirral West, Simon Williams, who is one of those accused said, “My memory has become very selective, unfortunately.”

“The carers will assist me to wash and dress and point me in the direction of parliament, yet I am still able to fill in my expense forms entirely unaided.”

“It’s probably time for me to go into a care home. I’ve heard the House of Lords is very nice.”

Meanwhile, a Downing Street spokesman confirmed that David Cameron was unable to attend last night’s leaders debate after he was found wandering around Waitrose with a tea cosy on his head.