In just seven days I can make you a man, Sturgeon tells Miliband

author avatar by 9 years ago

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon has pledged not to let the nasty big boys kick sand in Ed Miliband’s face if they form a coalition.

Miliband, a weakling weighing 98 pounds, faces getting kicked to the ground by other members of the G8, ISIS, MPs, the trades unions, and Boy Scouts on Bob-a-Job week if elected.

Sturgeon pledged that her offer of assistance was free, open, honest, and came with no string attached, although cameras showed her fingers crossed whilst she was speaking.

However, Miliband, with a determined chin, rejected the offer.

“I’ve been doing push-ups, and chin-ups, and swallowing raw eggs”, he announced.

“Admittedly only when David Cameron makes me swallow them or he’ll give me a Chinese burn, but it’s still high protein.”

“Am I tough? Hell yes!”, he added to hoots of merriment from the audience.

SNP leader Sturgeon is reported to be angry at the rejection.

“I’ll fuck you up, you Unionist bastard”, she pledged. “Like it or not, you’ll be my bitch yet.”

“You asked for nothing, and you shall receive it… In abundance.”

“Oops, I only meant to think that bit.”