The Liberal Democrat manifesto is mostly blank pages to ensure future coalition partners can easily fill it with their own policies.
Speaking at the manifesto launch, Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg pledged to save a lot of time in coalition negotiations by leaving lots of room in the manifesto, and promised that any copies sent to Conservative and Labour headquarters would also include a free pen.
Policies which actually are in the document include a ‘clear and binding demand’ for Bourbon Cream biscuits in coalition negotiation meetings, Nick Clegg to have a chair without a broken spring unlike the one he was given last time, and for someone else to buy the coffee for once.
“The coffee thing is a big deal for Nick”, we were told.
“He feels that his contribution to the coalition has been underappreciated.”
“He brings a jar of Mellow Birds in every week and nobody has ever even said thank you.”
The manifesto also includes a demand that other party leaders must use his “actual, real name” when addressing Clegg, leading to speculation of strained relationships within the current coalition.
Labour and the Conservatives has promised to look very seriously at any policy demands made by the Liberal Democrats, although this promise was undermined when spokesmen for both parties agreed they’d like the manifesto copies delivered to them to be ‘perforated and super absorbent.’