A recent study has found that fat people have a far lower risk of developing dementia due to being dead long before it can take hold.
Scientists found that dementia is generally more common in older people, and fat older people are a lot harder to come by.
This has enabled them to claim being fat cuts your chances of getting dementia in the same way that being addicted to heroin cuts your chances of dying of natural causes.
“Great news” said Tom Barnett, an obese local worker.
“I’ve been shoveling crisps into my face for decades in the hope that a piece of news exactly like this would crop up.”
“All of those people in the gym must be feeling pretty foolish right now- if they have feelings at all.”
“I’m going to open up a family pack of wotsits. Not to celebrate, that’s just my modus operandi for keeping dementia at bay.”
Dementia lower amongst obese
Many young people have been inspired to gain weight after the results of the study.
“I can’t wait to tell my mum” said Chloe Bryans, aged 8.
“she’s always telling me that ice cream for very meal would be a bad idea. Well, today I’m going to shove a newspaper in her face and tell her that she’d better start stuffing me with sugar if she wants me to remember to pay for her nursing home.”
“She’s a Daily Mail reader, so getting her to panic will be a piece of piss.”
Many experts have rushed to point out that deliberately putting on weight might be counter-productive and lead to other issues such as heart disease, asthma and cramming into a lift.
However, their words have been largely drowned out by the sound of millions of sausages being cooked.