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Fashion victims are waking up this morning to the horrifying news that beards are now desperately uncool.
Reports in New York suggest that in the quest for ever-more expressive beards people are now buying jeweled beard accessories and dyes, indicating that ‘peak beard’ is upon us and meaning that people who’ve invested startling amounts of time cultivating luxuriant facial hair just look a bit stupid right now.
Cutting edge fashion expert Matt Elliott told us “You remember a few years ago when baggy jeans were really cool and got baggier and baggier until one day… poof! The whole thing was gone overnight? This is like that”
“Except you didn’t just spend two precious years of your life you’ll never get back growing your own baggy jeans.”
“People who did just have egg on their faces now.”
“Along with bits of congealed soup and breadcrumbs, all caught in their beards.”
Beards done
The government is to introduce a five step plan for recovering hipsters, helping them to reintegrate with society and assisting with the difficult early stages of shaving.
“The first step is to admit you cannot control your own beard”, we were told.
“From there you can recognise you made a mistake growing the damn thing in the first place.”
It is expected that beards will go back to being the preserve of sea-captains, lazy people, and computer programmers by the end of the year.
