Labour pledge to keep Internet pornography widely available

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In a surprise response to the Tories’ pledge to introduce further restrictions on Internet pornography, Labour have announced plans to keep it as accessible as ever.

“It is typical of the Tories,” said Labour leader Ed Miliband.

“To attack one of the simple pleasures left available to the Great British working man; hardcore Internet pornography.”

“As the party of the people, I pledge now to continue to make Internet bongo films accessible to all who want to watch them.”

“This will include amateur lesbians, golden showers and fisting.”

Many commentators believe that the Tories have misjudged the mood of the electorate with their plans to clamp down on Internet porn.

“The Tories have revealed themselves to be a bit out of touch with this proposal,” said Guardian columnist Polly Toynbee.

“I think it’s fair to say that most people like to unwind at the end of the day with some extreme pornography.”

“Myself, I like light sub-dom.”

Labour on pornography plans

Pervert and mud juggler Simon Williams was thrilled by the news.

“Frankly, I’m as confused as anyone as to who to vote for in this election,” he said.

“But if Labour are going to continue to let me see bisexual orgies on a regular basis then that could swing it for me.”

The Liberal Democrats are undecided on their stance but will probably come down on the side of letting people find old grumble mags in bushes by the side of the road.