Russell Brand rejected by Church of Scientology for being too weird and creepy

author avatar by 9 years ago

The Church of Scientology rejected Russell Brand for being too weird and creepy for them, we can report this morning.

Brand became interested in the Church when he was living in Hollywood, but his advances were rebuffed as Scientologists found him ‘unsettling’.

A spokesman for the church described Brand as ‘a crank with all kinds of peculiar beliefs’.

“We honestly don’t know why someone like that would be attracted to Scientology.”

“There’s no way he would have fitted in.”

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Brand is reported to have spoken to senior Scientologist Tom Cruise about the church several times, but Cruise back-pedalled on recruiting him after getting to know him.

“Yeah, I know I think humans are the reincarnated souls of ancient aliens murdered by the dictator Xenu”, Cruise is reported to have said.

“But Brand doesn’t half believe some crackpot bullshit.”

“I also think he’s got problems with women, and that’s me saying that.”

When asked to comment, Russell Brand told us “The exisistential paradigmy-wimey of scientolololologisticaliness grounds human experiential learning in an ontological framework related to heuristic pattern recognition with Metaphysical overtones”, so your guess is as good as ours, really.

“Don’t vote”, he added.