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Labour would return Britain to the dark days of the 1970s by bringing back children’s entertainer Jimmy Savile, according to Prime Minister David Cameron.
The Tories accused Labour of harbouring secret plans to construct a special underground laboratory designed to reanimate the corpses of several leading paedophiles paid for by hiking the National Insurance contributions of hardworking families.
Labour meanwhile accused the Tories of scaremongering, claiming they had no plans to bring Savile back from the dead during their first term, using a technique as yet unknown to science.
As the two leaders clashed, Cameron bellowed, “A straight answer to a straight question. Will the Ed Miliband bring back Jimmy Savile?”
“I will not dignify that question with a response,” replied Miliband, who was immediately criticised for being evasive on the issue.
The PM then produced a leaked report suggesting that Miliband also plans to deliver eighty thousand new homes using deceased Gloucester-born builder Fred West as the lead contractor.
“Savile and West. That is Labour’s double whammy!” the PM told reporters.
The Labour leader responded by saying there were no concrete plans to have the monstrous cadaver of Fred West doing patios on his watch.
Miliband said, “If bringing back Fred West ever became an option, the British public would be offered a referendum on the issue.”
Election battles commence
However a source close to Miliband said he has often expressed an interest in resurrecting West ‘just to see what he would look like’.
Political analyst Simon Williams said, “Not only would Red Ed bring back Savile, he would reinstate his knighthood and let him run the London marathon with rubbish piled up in the streets.”
“Also West would find life very difficult due to the influx of Polish builders with no discernible personality disorders.”
Cameron has since refused to back down.
“Vote Labour on the fifth of May and you wake up with Miliband in Downing Street and Savile in Broadcasting House,” he told us.
