After televised confirmation by Prime Minister David Cameron that zero hours contracts are in fact ‘real’ jobs, Simon Cowell has moved to implement them for all X Factor winners.
The music mogul and TV entrepreneur is said to be delighted with Cameron’s performance in the televised leadership event, and has his lawyers working on a raft of draconian contract conditions.
“Let’s be clear, as an X-Factor winner you aren’t entitled to anything from Syco, you are owned by Syco,” a representative of the label who wished to remain nameless told us.
“Accordingly, these new T&C’s will ensure we only give you the work we want to on any given day.”
“If the public in their infinite wisdom choose a winner who simply offers no commercial value, we can discard you without so much as a cursory recording session.”
“You still won’t count towards the unemployment figures though, obviously. Not until the end of the infinitely long zero hour contract we’ll make you sign.”
Zero Hour recording contract
Simon Cowell has defended the move, saying some artists would prefer a zero-hour recording contract, such as students, and some other people he couldn’t name when pressed.
He said, “This isn’t one of those bad zero hour contracts where you can’t go and work anywhere else. You can absolutely go and work in Tesco or McDonald’s any time you like to make up your hours.”
“You just can’t make music for anyone else. In that respect your arse is mine.”
I think, therefore I am (not an X Factor voter)