Pandas given survival lifeline as scientists discover they are delicious

author avatar by 9 years ago

Pandas could become a common sight on farms across the world after scientists discovered just how tasty they are.

Venture capitalists have been lining up to back the all-new breeding plan after a leading economist pointed out the profit margin on a panda burger.

Professor John Chiang of the Chinese Institute of Pandology described Pandas as, “Going great with chips, or in curries, stir fries, burgers, you name it.”

“Pandas are in danger because they’re essentially tedious animals who refuse to have sex – and they’re funded by public donations.”

“Well now there’s serious money at stake, and the Pandas don’t have a choice.”

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“There will be Pandas – lots and lots of delicious pandas as far as the eye can see. We will make it so.”

“You think our fields would be full of cows if they tasted like shit?”

Panda survival

Commenting on the discovery, TV Naturalist David Attenborough said, “I am *munch* deeply concerned by *chomp* this revelation.”

“The magnificent Panda is truly a *scromf* symbol of the movement to preserve our precious wildlife. *Burp*.”

However a spokesperson for the new breeding venture told us, “Even if we have to breed Pandas in tubes, we’ll do it.”

“The most talented scientists and geneticists money can buy are now working on this. Trust me, this time next year we’ll be swimming in succulent Pandas.”

“People will already pay a premium for rare foods, even if they taste like shit, but I’m telling you now, Pandas are not only rare, they’re delicious.”

“We have a vision, a vision that one day you’ll drive through the countryside and the fields won’t be full of black and white cows – but delicious, tender, Pandas.”

Pandas are complete assholes – t-shirt

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