A Northampton man was left bemused this morning after being told that cotton buds should not be put inside the ear.
Simon Williams, 32, was finishing his morning hygiene routine when his female flatmate told him not to put the cotton bud in his ear – before pointing him at a warning on the container.
Williams told us, “I thought she was joking, but it said it right there on the side; ‘never insert a cotton bud into the inner ear’ – I had to sit down I was so shocked.”
“I felt distraught – what had I been doing all these years?”
“It was like that time I found out that everyone actually sits on the toilet facing the cistern so they can balance their reading materials – I felt ashamed.”
“All these years I’ve been using cotton buds to reach the bits of my ear that my finger can’t – when in reality it was designed for some other unknown purpose I’m completely unfamiliar with.”
Hygiene expert Sandra Matthews told us that despite the warnings, most cotton bud companies actually want you putting cotton buds deeps inside your ears.
She told us, “I would hazard a guess that 99% of the world’s total cotton bud stock is actually used inside people’s ears.”
“These manufacturers, they’re like cigarette companies – they’ll publicly say it’s bad for you, and maybe even print warnings on their labels.”
“But trust me, behind closed doors they want you to experience that delicious satisfaction of a clean inner-ear that you just can’t scratch any other way.”
“It keeps you coming back for more.”