Representatives from the UK fracking industry have called the current regulatory system ‘complex and relatively unapproachable’, demanding a new one led by a cute little girl with pigtails.
“The complexity of the regulatory framework has led to a lack of confidence in fracking as a technology,” said a cloven-hoofed representative of the fracking companies.
“It’s got nothing to do with the fact with we want to pump a periodic table’s worth of chemicals under Junior Schools around the countryside.”
Fracking companies are proposing a new regulatory framework that consists of the little girl with pigtails and a big ‘YES’ stamp.
“The little girl with pigtails is purely to make our regulatory system more approachable for the public.”
“To suggest that it would advantage the industry to have a regulator whose opinion can be swung by a new doll and a lollipop is outright cynicism,” continued the representative, scratching a horn.
There does seem to be a flaw in the industry’s plan however, we spoke to Charlotte, a five-year-old with pigtails from Sussex.
“Work for the fracking companies? Fuck off. I’m five, I was hoping to make it until at least nineteen before I had to sell my soul.”
But the industry representative would not be deterred.
“I am confident we can find a little girl to serve the dark one, I mean, the fracking industry,” he said, before disappearing in a puff of sulphur.