The state of Texas has passed new legislation to make schools safer by installing firearm vending machines in all campus buildings, we can report this morning.
The measure is designed to help schools defend themselves against attacks by people with guns by ensuring everyone has access to guns.
Republican senator Mary-Bob Bobson described the bill as ‘a great day for Texas and Americans everywhere’, and pledged to continue pushing for the machines to be installed in kindergartens and pre-school groups as well.
The machines will be installed next to the usual food and drink vending machines, and will supply a variety of reasonably-priced firearms ranging from an easily-concealed .22 pistol to the ‘classroom defence’ AR-15 automatic rifle.
Some critics have suggested that the weapons might be purchased for uses other than defence, but these concerns have been dismissed as “lily-livered, pantywaist lies by liberals determined to take our constitutional rights.”
“Ensuring that schools are crammed with people carrying easily-accessible firearms can only make them safer,” said Bobson.
“I cannot see any way in which a combination of adolescents, firearms, and heavily-sugared and caffeinated snack foods could possibly go wrong.
“God bless America.”