Breastfeeding linked to feeling of superiority

author avatar by 9 years ago

A long-term study has linked breastfeeding to an increased sense of superiority amongst mothers.

New research tracked 3,500 babies and mothers and found that those who breastfeed were much more likely to be a mixture of insufferable, smug and superior.

“It’s mainly the ones who fetishise breastfeeding as some sort of spiritual connection between their breast, the child, and some nebulous Gaia nonsense,” said Dr Bernardo Lessa Horta who led the study.

“The ones that just get on and do it are just fine.”

The ability to express milk from a breast has become an unlikely way for a certain sort of woman to gain a sense of one-upmanship over those who can’t, or don’t.

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“I think mothers who don’t breastfeed are fungus,” said Simone Williams, a breastfeeding enthusiast from Brighton.

“I breastfeed everyone in my family and I do it on the front garden under a big sign saying ‘look at me breastfeeding. I am better than you’.

“My nineteen-year-old son is going to university this year and I intend to send him off with a big vat of my breast milk so he can tell all his friends how brilliant his mother is.”

The study also showed that regardless of the amount of breast milk swallowed by a child, if it comes with a side-order of pomposity and piety, the child will invariably turn out to be as appalling as its mother.