Wayne Rooney’s brain cell expected to make full recovery after knock-out

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Wayne Rooney’s brain cell is expected to make a full recovery from the trauma sustained following the striker’s KO at the hands of Sunderland defender, Phil Bardsley.

Video footage surfaced over the weekend appearing to show the Liverpudlian being Liverpudlian before encountering a left hook administered by his former Manchester United team-mate during a play-fight, with the England man subsequently left unconscious.

Brain expert, Sheila Mount, said treating patients of similarly low cognizance was normally as effective as defrosting the remains of a woolly mammoth in the hope of it embarking on a career in the circus.

She explained, “When your IQ is in negative equity, restoring brain function after a serious blow to the head can be a bit like turning the ignition key in a 1980’s Skoda.”

“Luckily for Wayne, his brain cell has behaved rather like a cockroach after a nuclear holocaust, refusing to expend itself in the face of adversity, and undertaken a primitive form of moth balling.”

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“There is now however a chance he will spend the rest of days idly circling around dimly lit light bulbs.”

Rooney knockout

Manchester United spokesman, Trevor Park, expressed the clubs dismay at the behaviour of their star striker so close to a crucial Premier League fixture against Tottenham Hotspur.

“Wayne Rooney’s brain cell has been critical in the club’s charge towards obscurity this season and last,” he told reporters.

“His retaining the intellectual capability to appreciate a weekly wage of 250k is paramount in continuing our fall from grace.”