We’ll only make nice cuts, pledge Labour

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An incoming Labour government will only make cuts to things you don’t like, said Ed Balls today.

In a major policy speech, the Shadow Chancellor outlined Labour economic policy for the next parliament, which will centre around only making cuts to nasty things.

“If you tell us what things you don’t like, then we’ll make cuts to those things”, he said.

“Those people a few doors down who play loud music at 3am, for instance.”

“I reckon we’re on safe ground with promises to make cuts to them.”

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“Furthermore we will identify government spending on things that smell of wee, rubbish things, and stuff that totally sucks, and slash spending in those areas – unlike the Tories.”

“So ner.”

Eb Balls cuts pledge

He went on to promise additional funding to a few of your favourite things, like raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens will also receive a funding increase, he added.

This additional funding will be paid for by a tax on bankers bonuses, although some commentators have suggested that this might be made difficult by his policy to make it illegal for banks to pay big bonuses.

Meanwhile both the SNP and the Greens have rejected any cuts in public spending.

The SNP will ensure any cuts don’t affect Scotland by insisting the English pay for everything whilst being as rude to them as possible, whilst Green economic policy is for Natalie Bennett to sit in a fairy ring and wish very hard until some magic gold appears to pay for everything.