Criminals across the country have reluctantly agreed to commit fewer crimes to ease the pressure on police forces facing severe cuts to their budgets.
Police forces are facing a 5% cut in government funding in 2015/16 and more cuts after the general election, with similar reductions now demanded of criminals.
A police spokesperson said, “If we are expected to cut our budgets by 5% then we have no choice but to impose a similar reduction on the criminals that we investigate.
“None of us likes this, let me tell you, but unfortunately we must insist that all criminals cut their activity by at least 5% in 2015/16, and to expect further cuts the year after.
“We’re all in the together, after all.
Criminals have reluctantly agreed to the cuts, with some claiming the latest cuts are just another example of why they need their own union.
Criminal Simon Williams said, “I wasn’t happy when I heard the news, but I think it’s only fair.
“I mean, the police are working with one hand behind their backs so the least we can do is take the odd day off over the next year or two to make it easier on them.
However, another criminal told us, “I tell you what, we should go on strike!
“No crimes of any nature until the government agrees to fund the police at an acceptable level.”
Williams concluded, “If the government wants to cut the funding of the police, then where is the fun in actually committing crime?
“It’s not even going to be a challenge anymore.”