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Archaeologists following ancient legends of a city in North East England have stumbled across a long-forgotten ruin known as ‘Hartlepool’, according to reports published today.
“Tales spoke of a tribe who worshipped the hanged monkey, deep in the Northumbrian wilderness”, said a spokesman.
“But nobody believed a word of these primitive superstitions until we stumbled across it quite by chance.”
Archaeologists surveyed ancient road networks and buildings which they describe being covered in fossilised sick and graffiti in a curious, cursive script almost beyond human comprehension.
“One read ‘Sharon is a slag'”, we were told.
“Who was ‘Sharon’? Some sort of primitive goddess of love and fecundity?”
“We may never solve the incredible mysteries left behind by these strange people.”
“The locals clearly had curious rituals. They worshipped a team of gods they called the ‘Monkey Hangers’ by drinking a noxious brew which they called WKD Blue, but ultimately their devotion clearly wasn’t enough to save them from relegation in 2013.”
Mysterious northern city discovered
It is unknown what caused the city to vanish from history, but records suggest that a new, alien deity called ‘Mandelson’ appeared from the South and brought ruin and destruction upon the people from which they never recovered.
“Some terrible doom was visited upon them which it is probably best for civilised men not to consider”, said an archaeologist with a shudder.
“But we understand it involved the local priests failing to make the correct offering of Guacamole. ”
A television programme dedicated to finding signs of civilisation in the region is to be broadcast by Channel 4 in the summer. It will be called ‘Tyne Team’.
