Delivery companies are using Ninjas to ensure they don’t actually have to give you your stuff in person, we can report.
Cards reading “Sorry! We called but you were out!” have been issued to a phalanx of the famed oriental masters of stealth by a consortium of Britain’s leading parcel delivery companies.
“You’ll never hear or see them coming,” said a spokesman for DHL.
“But sooner or later you’ll let your guard down for a moment and that’s when they’ll strike.
“A lifetime of training has prepared them to shove a card through your letterbox when you least expect it. No matter how you prepare.”
Jason Knowles of Haringey took a day off work to wait for a package, but to no avail.
“I had sat by the door without blinking for more than 14 solid hours waiting for my delivery when I was distracted momentarily by my cat,” he said.
“In the single second between looking down and looking back at the door a card telling me I could collect my mail from the depot had appeared on the mat.
“I couldn’t understand how that was even possible until I saw a guy in black jim-jams leaping off my guttering on slowed-down CCTV footage.
“I mean, they could have just rung the bell. I was right there.”
When challenged that delivery men could try ringing the doorbell before sticking a card through the door, Asano no-Mikoto, Ninja of the third degree, replied “Pah! I once hid in a man’s septic tank breathing through a hollow reed for three days before he looked away from his letterbox.”
“If you want your parcel you can collect it yourself. That is the way of the ninja.”