We need a ‘fresh modern take’ on politics says man worshipping 2,000 year old book

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Politicians need to deliver a ‘fresh moral and modern vision’ ahead of the general election, according to a man whose entire life is guided by a two-thousand year old book.

In a letter urging congregations to vote on 7 May, the Church of England’s House of Bishops challenged politicians to accept new thinking and ideas, such as the ones they’ve been banging on about for hundreds of years.

As one Bishop behind the letter explained, “We need stronger debate about things like nuclear defence and the economy, and where better to look for guidance on this than an ancient book that doesn’t mention either of them.”

“What we need are fresh, new ideas – like the ones contained in my magical ancient manuscript that predates electricity by nearly two thousand years.”

“Twenty-first century policies really need a fresh perspective – a touch of first century guidance, if you will.”

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Church urges ‘fresh’ politics

Voter Simon Williams said, “I’m a little confused, you’re telling me the church has been advising people to seek out new ideas?”

“I was raised a Catholic, and so I was severely chastised for doing just that.”

“Are we sure this isn’t a double bluff and tomorrow’s letter will say it was a joke and that all fresh ideas are evil planted there by the Devil?”

However one bishop countered, “It’s not like that, really. We’re into modern, hip thinking now – we’re down with the kids.”

“No, not like that, you’re thinking of the Catholics again.”