Record-breaking Premier League TV deal to help fund grassroots arseholes

author avatar by 8 years ago

Budding arseholes who think they could be professional footballers will be helped enormously by the new Sky TV deal, Premier League officials have announced.

Premier League Chief Executive, Richard Scudamore, yesterday released details of the new deal which will see £5.14bn distributed amongst premier league clubs to spunk away on prospective undesirables and reprobates.

Football fan Simon Williams told us, “We live in a world where someone thought it was a good idea, and easily affordable, to give £80,000 a week to Mario Balotelli.”

“Just think about that for a minute.”

“And now we want to give these people even more money? I see no reason why this could be anything other than a great step forward for the game.”


Premier League TV deal

The new deal has already spawned requests from 16 year-old trainee footballers for £5k a week pay rises because they managed to earn a single GCSE.

Premier League clubs have also been spotted at grassroots games throwing tens of thousands of pounds at children showing any aptitude for swearing at the ref, or diving around like they’ve been shot.

However one premier league official refuted claims that the money from the new TV deal would be ‘wasted’ by clubs.

They told us, “Nothing teaches a young man about his value to society like paying him £25,000 a week to play in the reserves in front of one man and his dog.”

“And if there’s one thing this country needs, it’s more twenty-something dickheads driving chrome-plated lamborghinis.”

“But just remember, it’s you idiots at home who are paying for it.”