Homeopathy practitioners are reported to be delighted by news the NHS is to further cut their funding, as the less money they get the more effective they become.
“This is tremendous news for alternative medicine”, said an NHS spokesman.
“By steadily diluting away funding of homeopathy the NHS is ensuring its maximum effectiveness.”
“This cut is based on the idea of ‘The memory of money’, by which homeopaths will remember what having money is like and go and get another job.”
Some, however, are less convinced.
“My wife is a homeopath and believes in all kinds of magical properties when you dilute stuff,” said Eric Grant from Hove.
“That’s why she believes the babysitter got pregnant because I had a wank in the bath – and I don’t need her thinking otherwise.”
However, his wife appeared unconcerned. “I’m going to become a reiki healer instead”, she said.
“That’s where stupid people send me a cheque and I think about them getting better.”
“I’m going to make a fortune.”