Following surveys showing that customer satisfaction with railways is at an all-time low, rail companies are working hard to find innovative ways to show how much they loathe passengers.
“We really hate our passengers,” said Southern Rail spokesman Simon Williams.
“So, we’re proposing to kick all of them up the arse. Not in metaphorical encouragement, but a literally swift boot against their backsides.”
“It will take a few more staff at stations, and possibly a delay in services but at Southern we’re committed to giving our customers a truly dismal experience.”
Southern have been pioneers in contempt for the people who use their services, running a largely fictional timetable out of London Bridge since Christmas.
Other companies are catching up fast, however.
“One of our busiest services is the 7.36 into Paddington,” said a spokesperson for Thames trains.
“So we’ve replaced that train with Space Hoppers. We’ve had that in place for about a fortnight now, seeing all the commuters bouncing off to work on Space Hoppers? It’s a hoot.”
At Chiltern Rail Railways, they’ve focused on communications.
“Yes, we’ve replaced all announcements on our trains with tracks from the New Napalm Death album,” said a spokesperson.
“So, instead of being told what the next station is, passengers get a 30 second blast of ‘Parade of Viscera’.”
Great Northwestern have taken the doors off all the toilets, South West trains now officially supports ISIS, and Anglia Railways were behind the new Crème Egg recipe.
Only MerseyRail still seems to operate with consideration for its customers, so it’s assumed they’ll lose their contract to operate in the next review.