Consider getting mugged to fund your old age, Iain Duncan Smith urges pensioners

author avatar by 9 years ago

Iain Duncan Smith believes pensioners should follow the plucky example of newly-rich mugging victim Alan Barnes, rather than relying on state handouts.

IDS reckons the small fortune Barnes received in charitable donations following his near-murder is an example of the Big Society at its best.

“When I saw Mr Barnes’ heavily bruised face staring out from the newspaper I had what you might describe as a Eureka moment,” he told us.

“As little as one severe kicking by an unknown assailant could generate enough cash to pay your gas bill and leave you with money left over for non-essentials like food.”

“Even a punch to the ribs at a bus stop followed by mild stamping could pay for a night at the bingo.”

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IDS’s proposals were given a mixed reaction from the few pensioners who have survived the coalition, with many insisting they would be prepared to split the cash with any teenage psychopath who doesn’t go too hard on them.

Pensioner reforms

The Work and Pensions Secretary insists old people should ‘make themselves available’ by failing to follow simple anti-crime measures like locking windows or buying a dog.

IDS added, “A few prudent steps such as setting up an online charity website linked to Paypal could mean that you’re ‘quids in’ in the event that you regain consciousness in an NHS hospital surrounded by your loving family.”

96 year-old Simon Williams said, “I exist on a meagre state pension that barely covers the cost of heating my small flat at 6B Kensington Rise, Rock Ferry, Birkenhead, the one with the green drainpipes that conveniently backs on to a poorly-lit entry.”

“You’ll find the key under the mat.”