Weather forecasters claim the North of England is being threatened by an enormous snowbastard, on what is thought to be the most hyperbolic day of the winter so far.
“This is literally the most terrifying example of a snowbastard we’ve ever seen in the history of the world,” said forecaster Carole Kirkwood.
The snowbastard follows a winter of thundersnow, and snowmageddon, and could lead to a total weathertwat if the levels of hyperbole we’ve already seen this winter continue.
“Yes, a weathertwat, that would be a tremendously exciting weather event,” added Ms Kirkwood
“If we had a full on weathertwat, then the whole country would be under red, yellow, black, orange, purple and polka-dot weather warnings.”
We asked for advice for the public in the event of these multi-coloured weather warnings, specifically what people should do should the circumstances arise.
We were told, “I don’t know, wear a hat?”
Even before a snowbastard or weathertwat, this winter was shaping up to be one of the most hyperbolic in history.
“Oh, yes, you’d have to go back to the great Snowfucker of ’91 to top it,” said weather hyperbole expert Simon Williams.
“The hyperbole surrounding the great snowfucker of ’91 was so great that Wincey Willis literally soiled herself live on air.”
We managed to track down a weather expert who could describe the nature of a snowbastard without resorting to hyperbole.
They gave a lengthy sigh, before telling us, “Look, it’s just a bit of snow on the hills and really quite chilly.”