Waitrose on receiving end of world’s largest ‘I told you so’

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Middle-class supermarket chain Waitrose has withdrawn its offer to give anyone a free coffee in a move experts have called ‘so predictable it’s actually painful’.

In an email to customers Waitrose said it was disappointed that people had not adhered to the well-understood supermarket etiquette expected of its patrons.

Consumer Simon Williams told us, “What Waitrose seems to have forgotten that the public is essentially a selfish, etiquette-free amorphous sack of shit.”

“If you say you’re going to give a free coffee to anyone who comes through your door, then you’re going to get people coming through your door just for the free coffee.”

“You have to remember that people will debase themselves buying The Sun every day in order to get a token to have a chance of getting something free – this was a stone-cold absolutely guaranteed freebie.”

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“I’m just amazed that it lasted this long.”

Waitrose free coffee withdrawn

A Waitrose spokesperson said that the reaction to the offer of a free coffee had surprised them.

They told us, “We thought if we offered people a free coffee, they would come in, then see our produce and spend at least £150 on Organic Quinoa, Mojito Chicken Cigarellos and Madagascan Vanilla Ice Cream.”

“It turns out these ‘people’ just wanted the free coffee and to sit in our coffee shop for hours on end breathing our air.”

“Who knew?”