Robert Mugabe to run for FIFA presidency

author avatar by 9 years ago

In a shock last-minute development, Robert Mugabe has announced that he intends to run for the FIFA presidency.

It follows similar, surprising, last-minute announcements from David Ginola and Luis Figo.

“As a colossal bastard, I feel I am a far more suitable candidate for the FIFA role than either David or Luis,” said Mr Mugabe from a hastily arranged press conference.

Many from the football world are unsure what to make of the announcement.

“He’s out-of-touch, homophobic and utterly corrupt,” said the Guardian’s Sid Lowe.

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“Frankly, I can’t think of anyone more suited to the FIFA role.”

FIFA presidency

As FIFA president, Mr Mugabe would be expected to do up to five full day’s work each year.

His duties would include looking smug, eating really nice food and sexually molesting the secretary.

The perks of the job include millions of dollars in bribe money, a secret lair under a volcano, his own personal death squad, and a top of the range Ford Mondeo.

“Well, obviously my current position affords my many similar perks,” said Mr Mugabe.

“But I have always wanted a Mondeo.”

Mr Mugabe’s intention to run for the FIFA presidency is expected to trigger a last-minute flurry of similar announcements from the likes of Vladimir Putin, Bashar Al-Assad, the ghost of Heinrich Himmler, and Noel Edmonds.

John Terry is said to be considering his position.