Russia’s credit rating is just fine actually, insists last surviving S&P analyst

author avatar by 9 years ago

Less than a day after ratings agency Standard and Poor’s downgraded Russian debt to ‘junk’, the last living member of the ratings team has staged a remarkable u-turn.

“Russia’s debt is fine. Just fine. No problems with it at all”, said the visibly pale and shaking financial analyst.

“In fact I’ve lent them loads of money myself. All I had, in fact.”

“I just pray that’s enough.”

A series of remarkable accidents have befallen the credit ratings team over the past 24 hours, including being crushed by a falling piano, leaping out of their own upstairs window, succumbing to radiation poisoning whilst in the bath, being impaled by an unusually sharp umbrella, and being strangled by a man with metal hands.

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Some commentators have expressed scepticism that all the deaths were accidental, but when contacted for comment they had all mysteriously disappeared.

Speaking from his gigantic new palace on the shores of the Black Sea, premier Vladimir Putin was at pains to reassure investors their money is safe.

“Russia is a good credit risk and a wise investment”, he said whilst helping himself to a large portion of caviar with a gold spoon.

“I reject the excessive pessimism of the analysts, God rest them.”

“Cognac, anyone?”