Ed Miliband in training against a wet paper bag, confirm Labour insiders

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With the general election only months away, the Labour Party has put Ed Miliband on a strict training regimen against moistened sheets of brown paper.

“Ed has struggled against David Cameron” said sources close to the leader of the opposition.

“And members of Hear’say. And his own party. And pretty much everyone else for that matter.”

“So we thought we’d start him off on something a bit easier. One of the interns popped down to Greggs for a supply of paper bag, we moistened them and Ed let rip.”

“Or didn’t, as it turned out.”

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Miliband debate preparations

Although initial sessions haven’t been positive, senior members of the Labour Party are hopeful they can get Miliband up to two wins in three against a dampened steak slice wrapper by March.

As one explained, “From there we’ll move on to sheets of triple-ply kitchen roll before working up to tearing a telephone directory in half.”

“Before you know it Ed will be able to go toe to toe with Vladimir Putin and Li Kequiang without looking like Gonzo out of The Muppets.”

“Oh, God, we’re doomed, aren’t we?” Our source added.

“You think this is hard?” said a member of the shadow cabinet in an off-the-record briefing. “Next we’ve got to teach Ed Balls how to use a pocket calculator.

“I don’t even know where to start with that one.”