Jeremy Kyle breaks viewer record as Jesus, Mary and Joseph face the DNA test

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Controversial television show host Jeremy Kyle announced a coup today after he was joined by Joseph the Carpenter, the Virgin Mary and Jesus Christ the Lord our Saviour.

The episode was broadcast this morning, witnessed by a record-breaking turnout of nearly five million viewers.

During the show Joseph declared that he deserved to know the truth about his son before breaking down in front of the studio audience, betraying the calm and dignified image of the carpenter, portrayed within nearly all 17th century paintings.

Although many A-list celebrities such as Jodie Marsh have been guests on the long-running ITV show, even Jeremy Kyle found it hard to suppress his amazement of Jesus’ presence.

The Lord our Saviour opened up about the true nature of his relationship with Mary Magdalene, healed the entire disabled section of the studio audience, and explained at length why homosexuality is an abomination.

Jesus on Jeremy Kyle

The Virgin Mary repeatedly denied that Joseph was the biological father of Jesus, emphasising that her decision to take full custody of the baby Jesus was not a spiteful one.

Joseph later admitted his unhealthy obsession with ‘making things out of wood’, distracted him from the responsibilities he needed to fulfil as a father.

It was at this point that Jeremy Kyle then sat on the floor and lowered his voice, as a response to the true gravity of the situation.

However, the true climax of show came when the DNA results were finally revealed, as Joseph was told he was the actual father of Jesus.

Though the DNA test proves that Jesus is not the son of God, much to the disappointment of many Christian viewers, the father and son’s tearful embrace and Jeremy’s closing epilogue into the camera, reminded us to focus on the importance of fatherhood and family values, instead of the meaningless of life, whose cold embrace will inevitably take us all.