Warning that scrapping Page 3 could leave footballers unable to find girlfriends

author avatar by 9 years ago

Premiership footballers could be left single and lonely after the Sun Newspaper announced it is to cease publication of its popular ‘Page 3’ dating section.

Printed nice and early in the paper so people who struggle to read but possess tremendous ball skills would still have a chance of meeting girls, at its height “Page 3” was responsible for more than 70% of marriages for the 2001 Manchester United squad.

“It made meeting girls so easy”, said an unnamed premiership player.

“You’d open the newspaper and there’d be a girl there, and then you’d go down to Ritzy’s nightclub in Basildon and say hello and you thought she looked nice.”

“What am I going to do now?”

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Page 3 dropped

Reports indicate that players’ mums are organising a support group to give classes on “just being yourself” and “using your personality”, although most admit that many players will struggle.

Page Three girls have also expressed dismay at the move, but are already planning to look for boyfriends elsewhere.

Donna, 23, who likes kittens and world peace said “I realised I was going to need a new way to meet men with more money than sense who can’t talk to girls, so I’m going to stick a picture with me tits out up on Guardian Soulmates.”

“It’s pretty much the same thing anyway, I just won’t get paid for it.”

No comment had been received from Everton FC at time of going to press, but industry sources suggest that this is because none of them have girlfriends anyway.