Nigel Farage has been named Briton of the year by The Times, after the newspaper failed to convince 62 million possible alternative candidates to take the title.
With time running out before publication, the paper was forced to ask the last few remaining qualifying Britons, with Nigel Farage returning the call just before Dapper Laughs.
A spokesperson for The Times told us, “We’ve been ringing around for a few weeks but no-one was interested for some reason.”
“It got to the point where we started phoning normal people who had simply voted in an election and paid their taxes on time, but even they didn’t want to know, thinking it was some sort of scam.”
“We started getting desperate, so we contacted people who had been on reality television, but they were concerned that an association with the Times would harm their image.”
“An hour before we went to print we were down to the last three British people we hadn’t offered the title to, Nigel Farage, Dapper Laughs and Peter Sutcliffe.”
“We all agreed the first one to respond could have it – and lucky for Nigel it was him.”
A disappointed Dapper Laughs told us, “I’d run out of credit on my mobile, so I’m proper gutted – this was the comeback I needed!”
Winner Farage spoke of his pleasure at the award, telling reporters, “This is justification of my party and my policies, with The Times deciding there were just 61,999,999 Brits better deserving of the title than me.”