Black Friday sales across the country are descending into bloodbaths, according to those brave enough to take part.
With shoppers seemingly willing end the lives of people standing between them and a 20% discounted television, reports say the number of victims could run into the tens of thousands.
Shopper Simon Williams told us, “I was hoping to get a cheap tablet at my local megastore, but when the guy in front of me pulled out a crossbow and started firing into the crowd in front of him to get closer to the front of the queue, I changed my mind.
“It’s almost like the prospect of saving a few quid on things they don’t really need turns people into raging bloodthirsty sociopaths.
“It’s not just manners that appear go out of the window, but basic human decency – it soon became survival of the fittest if you wanted to get anything good. If you’re weak and slow, you might as well stay at home. There is nothing here for you.
“I was going to turn around and head back to my car, but I ended up having to climb over dead bodies, so I gave up. It was horrific.
“There’s actually a woman over by the laptops angrily guarding them with a trident. I can’t say for certain if she’s actually used it, but it is literally covered in blood.
“She’s about to be attacked by a woman with a sword over a £50 Chromebook so I’ve really got to go, this is getting interesting.”