Gordon Brown quits politics to become dating guru

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Former Prime Minister Gordon brown has announced that he will resign as MP in order to become a full-time pick-up artist.

“I know what women want, and I want to teach men how to give it to them,” said the United Nations Special Envoy for Global Education.

It is thought that he intends to use the Kirkcaldy church hall to run a series of dating seminars for men.

“It’ll be £4.95 a ticket and that will include free tea and a hobnob,” he said.

Controversial dating guru Julian Blanc was prevented from entering the UK recently after it was revealed that his seminars suggested men should kill a dog to prove their masculinity and waggle their penises at women they find attractive on public transport.

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Mr Brown intends to take a different approach.

“No, my dating seminars will be about impressing young women with sound financial planning, fair taxation rates and avoiding fiscal drag.”

“I’ll begin the seminar with a reading from the Old Testament about the evils of masturbation, and then I’ll give some advice on the best churches to visit on those early dates and finish with some motivational bagpipe music.”

“I get really shy around women,” said Simon Williams of Bracknell.

“So, it makes sense for me to pay a man to tell me not to be shy around women.”

“And if there’s anyone who knows about pulling the birds, it’s got to be Gordon Brown, right?”