Devil ‘not interested’ in UKIP coalition

author avatar by 10 years ago

The Devil has rejected claims of a potential coalition with the UK Independence Party, insisting he could never partner with someone less trustworthy than himself.

Ukip leader Nigel Farage told reporters he would happily do a deal with the Devil if he got him what he wanted, though the Devil stressed there was very little more he wanted from the Ukip leader.

Speaking through a portal to Hell the Devil explained, “I already have Nigel’s soul, after I arranged for Ukip to get an MP – what more can Farage possibly offer me now?”

“Sure, there was a time when a deal with Ukip might have been something I was interested in – I mean, we both essentially prey on the fears of others – but now I’ve seen how they operate I’m not sure I could trust them.”

“As a general rule, people who do deals with me have to be smooth-talked into it – they don’t come knocking at the door begging to come in. That was a bit of a red flag, and I normally like red.”

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“I should probably make that a rule actually – don’t do deals with anyone who proactively wants to do a deal with me.”

“It’s not that I’m anti-Ukip, I don’t think I could do a deal with any politician – I’d have to sleep with one eye open, and who needs that?”

“That said, I wouldn’t mind sharing an office with Iain Duncan Smith for a few weeks, I think I could learn a great deal from him about how to treat people.”