Please don’t make me go back to the ‘North’, pleads Nick Clegg

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Nick Clegg emerged shattered from a visit to the north of England and expressed his shock at the conditions, saying they would simply be unacceptable in London.

“I am humbled by these people,” said Mr Clegg.

“The conditions they endure on a day-to-day basis. The public transport, living conditions, the weather, the stultifying sense of hopelessness, and the restaurants,” he paused, wiping a single tear from his cheek

“Dear God, the restaurants.”

Mr Clegg is the first coalition minister to visit the North since the Prime Minister’s harrowing encounter with a working class person from Leeds.

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He reiterated his coalition’s pledge to do something about the north.

“I don’t know, we can start by giving them better trains?”

“It won’t solve all their problems straight away, but at least they’ll be able to visit London for a decent cappuccino and I could get home a little quicker.”

Clegg visits ‘north’

There were mixed feelings about the Deputy Prime Minister’s words

“Not my problem,” said Simon Williams from Bracknell.

“We’ve got enough problems in London. I mean, the Circle line’s a nightmare.”

But others were more sympathetic.

“I don’t know much about the North,” said Marina Greene, a working Mum from Surrey.

“But, yeah, I think we should do something to help, I mean, we’re all human beings aren’t we?”

But with a general election round the corner, and the focus firmly on immigration and the EU, it remains to be seen if there really is any appetite in the coalition to do anything at all about the North.