Monday 3 November 2014 by Neil Tollfree

Ed Sheeran to head up historical child abuse inquiry

Theresa May historical abuse inquiry

Theresa May has announced that Ed Sheeran will head up the historical child abuse inquiry after Fiona Woolf resigned.

“It is an unusual choice,” admitted Mrs May.

“But we wanted someone trusted by the public, and with no close ties to the Government. It came down to Lord Anderson of Swansea or Ed Sheeran, and Mr Sheeran seemed the obvious choice.”

Ed Sheeran is currently at Number one in the singles chart with ‘Thinking out Loud.’

“I’m confident that after my current tour, I will be able to devote my full attention to this important inquiry and get to the bottom of the many questions the public has,” said Sheeran, in an interview by Nick Grimshaw yesterday morning.

“I think it’s brilliant,” said Ed Sheeran fan Serena Greene of East Sussex.

“I mean, I wasn’t that interested in Government inquiries and that, but I like everything Ed Sheeran’s done so I reckon it’ll be a brilliant inquiry now.”

It is thought that after Fiona Woolf resigned, Theresa May’s initial choice to replace her would be Atticus Finch, until it was pointed out to her that he would be over one hundred years old and was entirely fictional.

Nick Clegg was also considered as he wasn’t doing much, but they wanted someone with credibility and gravitas.

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