Tuesday 28 October 2014 by Gary Stanton

Met Office £100m supercomputer to confirm weather is shit

Weather supercomputer

A very expensive computer will soon predict shit weather with far greater accuracy, according to experts.

The facility will work 13 times faster than the current system, enabling UK airports to shut down at the first sign of sleet.

The extra capacity will also be useful for climate scientists, who need massive amounts of computing power to justify their funding.

Added features will allow forecasters to ignore entirely what’s happening in Scotland so that highly-paid people in Surrey can enjoy an uninterrupted round of golf.

Operating at 16 petaflops per second, the Cray 2020 is the first of its kind that can predict the inclement weather caused by homosexual activity.

Chief forecaster Simon Williams said, “This ace new computer can trace the minute pulses of air generated by an Amazonian butterfly flapping its wings and how much later a UK citizen will be killed by a falling tree.”

“Not only can it predict what kind of shit is falling from the sky, it can predict how much of it and exactly where in Manchester it is likely to fall.”

“It’s also pretty good at Chess.”

“Of course any computer relies on a competent human being to program it. That’s one reason we got rid of Michael Fish.”

Fish was sacked in 1987 after his ZX Spectrum failed to spot the most destructive storm since Mariah Carey was given a shit dressing room.

Williams added, “Even with this terrific software at our disposal, the atmosphere is essentially a chaotic system.”

“Which is a fancy way of saying, we haven’t got a fucking clue.”

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