Wednesday 22 October 2014 by Formelia Alberthine

Victims of crime prefer British criminals, insist UKIP

UKIP on foreign criminals

Victims of crime in the UK prefer being subjected to the will of indigenous criminals, according to Nigel Farage.

Speaking in response to National Audit Office’s statement that not enough foreign criminals were being deported by the coalition, the UKIP Party leader insisted that victims favoured being exploited by one of their own.

Farage told reporters, “There is something hugely comforting in knowing that you have had your wallet pinched by an indigenous member of your clan rather than some foreign immigrant.”

“An immigrant who, not only came over here steals your taxes and your jobs, but then goes onto to deprive you of your personal articles.”

“Likewise, knowing you had fallen prey to an unwarranted brutalising from a drunken Brit is far less embarrassing than learning you had been turned over by a grubby Romanian sort.”

“Its simple common sense.”

“A UKIP government would ensure that there were so few foreigners on our shores that the only time you would be likely to come in contact with one, would be on a visit to Madame Tussaud’s.”

UKIP on foreign criminals

British criminal, Charlie Smyth, welcomed Farage’s comments, pointing to the reverence in which the Great Train Robbers are held by the British public.

He said, “Everybody loves a British rascal, and what better way to signal that appreciation than by surrendering your physical and financial well-being to someone who looks a bit more like you?”

“You could almost imagine them being your friend, right up until the point when they completely screw you over.”

“It’s a bit like a vote for UKIP, really.”

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