Tuesday 21 October 2014 by Formelia Alberthine

Panda suit and bamboo diet your best chance of survival, poor children told

Panda costume for poor kids

Wearing a black and white furry suit and adopting a diet consisting solely of bamboo is the average British child’s best hope of survival, a new report suggests.

The Social Mobility and Child Poverty Commission, chaired by former Labour minister Alan Milburn, claimed the current government were far more concerned at the levels of algae in their moats, than the amount of food in the stomachs of the young.

Speaking to reporters outside the Houses of Parliament, Milburn said, “The prospects for a child born into a working class family are about as grim as those for a Lib Dem election candidate.”

“Parents struggling to find work in the era of zero hour contracts and food banks expecting any form of assistance from the state would be better served developing their own novel ways of ensuring the survival of their children.”

“I would suggest dressing them up as a panda, people seem to fall over themselves to give money to them.”

Panda plan for poor

The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, was less concerned at the perilous situation being experienced by vast swathes of the population.

He told reporters, “Dressing as a panda and eating bamboo? What utter nonsense.”

“There are many other ways to increase your families chances of survival under Tory-rule.”

“My preference would be for poor people to consider cannibalism.”

“It’s a diet that’s high in protein, and also helps with the nation’s spiralling benefits bill – so win-win.”

Pandas are complete assholes – T-shirt

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