Monday 20 October 2014 by Gary Stanton

Ancient Scottish fish ‘invented felching’

Ancient fish felching

An international team of researchers says a fish called Microbrachius dicki is the first-known animal to indulge in the improbable sexual practice known as felching.

The primitive bony fish, which was about 8cm long, lived in ancient lakes about 385 million years ago in what is now downtown Glasgow.

Lead author Prof Simon Williams, from the University of Milton Keynes, said: “We have defined the very point in evolution where primitive organisms totally lost the plot.’

Prof Williams added that the find was made as he watching the Discovery Channel.

He noticed that one of the M. dicki specimens had an odd straw-like appendage. Further investigation revealed that this was the male fish’s felching spoon.

“The male evolved these features over periods of millennia during which it became utterly depraved.”

“It’s totally gross,” admitted Williams. “I had to switch channels to Downton Abbey just to erase the mental image. “

Fish invented felching

Williams rose to prominence with his discovery that sea anemones were the first water-based organisms to practice teabagging.

“It’s was controversial at the time, but it is now widely accepted that the first incidence of teabagging took place over 200 million years ago in what is now the Muirhead area of Dundee,” he told us.

Williams added, “And get this. You thought that the dinosaurs became extinct after a massive comet impact right? Think again.”

“In Inverness last week we discovered three perfectly intact brontosaurus skeletons locked in a raunchy Jurassic bum chain.”

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