Daily Mail reveals Jack the Ripper was a ‘Bloody Polish Immigrant’

author avatar by 8 years ago

The Daily Mail has exclusively revealed that Jack the Ripper was a Polish immigrant only ‘over here’ due to our overly generous Victorian immigration policy.

Over a hundred years of professional and amateur investigation has led the paper to conclude that the world’s most famous unsolved murders were actually just more evidence to hate foreigners.

A spokesperson for the paper explained, “Jack the Ripper would have been better described a Jacek the Ripper, haha!”

“We been telling people for years that foreigners are bad, and now we have proper evidence.”

“We at the Daily Mail can only hope that you’ll never look at your local Polish plumber in quite the same way.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure he’ll say he came here to be a hard-working member of our society, but the evidence now shows he is just as likely be a secret murderer of prostitutes.”

“Don’t worry, you can thank us for the warning later.”

Jack the Ripper a polish immigrant

Those working at the Daily Mail have hailed the exclusive story as a victory in the hundred year search for a good reason to hate immigrants.

As one Mail journalist explained, “For over a hundred years we’ve searched for the silver bullet against immigrants, and now we have it.”

“Just think, if we’d stopped eastern europeans coming over here back then, London would have had a lot more prostitutes in the late 1800s.”

“How many potential prostitute murderers have we let in since then?”

“What more evidence do you need to start agreeing with everything we say?”

I think therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader)