Despite a series of disagreements with fellow villagers, Midsomer Murders character Simon Williams will almost certainly come back from a late-night trip to the woodshed unscathed.
After a brief shouting match with an incensed neighbour during the opening credits and the discovery that his front door had been coated in red paint, Williams retired to bed, only to hear an odd rattling noise in the shed at the bottom of his garden.
Sensibly, Williams decided to venture out unarmed with a small, inadequate flashlight to check out what was causing the disturbance.
As a well-advised precaution, Williams yelled out to warn any potential intruder of his imminent arrival.
“I’m pretty sure it’ll be nothing,” Williams insisted.
“It’ll almost certainly just be the wind.”
“I know a few people were a little irked at my plan to steamroller the entire village to build a motorway and there was that affair I had with the pub landlord’s wife, but people round here tend to be pretty forgiving.”
Approaching the shed, Williams reminisced about the time during his childhood he had lured a school friend to that very same shed and locked him in.
“We’d had a falling out, so I locked him in, threw away the key and left him for dead,” Williams chuckled.
“I never did hear what happened to him, but I imagine he starved to death uneventfully.”
“Whichever way, I doubt there’ll be any form of comeuppance waiting for me upon entering the shed.”
At the time of writing, despite the shed door slamming shut behind Williams and a loud thud similar to the impact of a plank of wood on a human skull, Williams is believed to be just fine.