Thursday 28 August 2014 by Gary Stanton

3-foot wasps nest in bed now top excuse for avoiding sex

Giant wasps nest

Wasps nests have overtaken ‘headaches’ as the nation’s top excuse for avoiding coitus, it has emerged.

As British men grow increasingly repulsive, housewives nationwide are trawling beer gardens in the hope of finding the ultimate deterrent to a randy spouse.

Optimistic shagger and Milton Keynes resident, Simon Williams, was forced to call pest control last Thursday after discovering the persistent humming noise coming from under his duvet was not his wife’s vibrator.

Wife Mandy claims Williams’ unreasonable demands of sex once a week on a Saturday morning have forced her to go the extra mile.

Mrs Williams says she coaxed the angry swarm to the couple’s three bed semi using a three pints of Stella Artois and a recently-used dinner plate.

“It was then simply a case of providing them with adequate nesting materials and letting nature do the rest,” she told us.

Giant wasp nest

John Birkett, of Longwood Services Pest Control, said removing the 3ft (91cm) nest from a bed while a man stood there nursing an erection was his most unusual job in 45 years.

Williams, meanwhile, is intensive care after attempting to catch three of the wasps under a beer glass.

Wildlife expert Chris Packham said: “For years we have believed that wasps serve no purpose whatsoever and are best killed en masse. Thanks to Mrs Williams that is demonstrably bollocks.”

Birkett has since been offered the role of “pest control guy” by Climax Entertainment, a film company based in the Netherlands.

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