Luis Suarez is expected to join Barcelona in a record deal, after the Spanish giants offered the striker three Catalan residents a week that he can bite freely.
The deal is expected to be concluded in the coming days, after Suarez admitted he was tired of chewing on scousers, and required a ‘fresh taste’ at this stage of his career.
Liverpool spokesperson Simon Williams explained, “We are disappointed to lose Luis, but understand that after a few years Scousers can start to seem a little bland.”
However Barcelona are delighted at the capture, and a spokesperson told us, “To secure a player of Luis’ calibre to a long-term deal is great for us, and we are confident he now has the proper edible rewards he deserves for his on-pitch performances.”
“Sure, most players negotiate cars, homes, and win bonuses, but Luis was absolutely set on having someone available throughout the week for him to bite whenever the ‘need arose’.”
“He wanted at least one a day for the duration of his contract, but we felt we might find some opposition amongst human rights organisations.”
“We settled on three catalans a week, as we’re confident we can source that number without too many complaints.”
Luis Suarez Barcelona contract
Barcelona fans have reacted with delight at the capture of Suarez, right up until the point they found out that fans were being asked to volunteer for chew-toy duty at the training ground.
Season ticket holder Miguel Matthews explained, “Can we not start him off on some of the reserves? Most of them are shite.”
However Barcelona’s spokesperson concluded, “Look, I’m sure some fans are a little nervous about volunteering, but you know how when you own a rabbit you’re supposed to provide something for them to chew on?”
“Well owning a Luis Suarez is much the same.”