Roy Hodgson assisting with Iraq ‘early exit’ strategy

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Sources close to the Pentagon revealed on Monday that Roy Hodgson is being consulted on the creation of an early exit strategy for US forces in Iraq, following their redeployment last week.

The England manager was approached on Saturday after he demonstrated an incredible ability to enter a foreign country, screw things up beyond repair and then leave again within a matter of days.

US military officials said they’d never seen anything like it, and were considering Hodgson for a permanent senior position on the US defence staff.

“This man has managed in a couple weeks what the US took eight years to do first time around in Iraq,” said US Secretary of Defence Chuck Hagel.

“Quite frankly some of our SEAL teams take longer to enter and exit a foreign country than this man does. I don’t know where he was trained, but I’m damn impressed.”

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Hodgson military consultancy

Hodgson was reluctant to talk opening about the matter, but he did confirm that Wayne Rooney was vital to any exit strategy.

“Wayne will be accompanying me to Washington for high-level talks,” said Hodgson.

“I’m absolutely confident that with Wayne’s track record of consistent and relentless failure to keep us involved in a foreign tournament of any sort, he can help us deliver the rapid exit we need from the Iraqi competition.”

Rooney was said to be ‘very pleased’ with the opportunity to go to a country where hair-transplants were considered normal, although was disappointed to hear that this wouldn’t mean automatic qualification for Russia 2018.

Steven Gerard was also rumoured to have been going to the US with Hodgson, but was detained by US customs officials who failed to believe he spoke English, concluding that his language was some sort of Farsi dialect spoken only by the Taliban.

He is currently being held in Guantanamo waiting for a transfer.